Oscarisamazing « Thread Started on Jul 21, 2008, 2:14pm »
Name: Oscar Age: 14 Years of Experience: 2-3 Expected Activity: Most days How You Got Here: Lastings Prep Characters: What Grade does Lore have the most problem with & what person is forbidden for use as a playby? 7th and Alex Evans
Roleplay Sample: The boy walked through the spaceport in a daze, not sure why he was there. He had some vague recollection of being loaded onto a space ship and placed into a small womb-like container, against his will but with little resistance. The memories brought on a sort of feeling of giving up, like he had fought for a long time, and it wasn't worth it any more. Half-sitting and half-collapsing onto a bench, he looked around him. On a wall nearby, a sign read, “CERES CITY INCARCERATION CENTER IN-PROCESSING OFFICE—SPACE PORT BRANCH.” So, he was on Ceres—the dwarf planet in-between Mars and Jupiter where the whole solar system dumped their prisoners. That probably meant he was a prisoner, which would explain why he was loaded onto the ship against his will—but why was he a prisoner? As he considered it, memories of his arrest, the feelings of shock, anger and helplessness that accompanied them and his struggle to escape all surfaced, but nothing before that. He remembered being pitched in a cell and put before a few people, handcuffed, and then put back in the cell, only to be shipped off to the ship the next day. The men who had out-processed him had said he was lucky to only stay in his cell for a night, he remembered, but still nothing came to him about his offense. Prisoners, cuffed together at the hands and feet, marched passed him, and he ran to the man in charge of them to ask him for help, but the officer didn't hear the young man behind him and kept moving. He resolved to follow the general flow of prisoners, deciding that all these convicts wouldn't be allowed to roam free with no destination. He came to a set of doorways, all open, and walked through one. A small LED on the other side of the door blinked yellow, which the boy took as a good sign—if it wasn't red, he wasn't in the most trouble of anyone. The words on the screen told him he was a benign convict, under the age of majority, bound for “remedial education.” The screen urged him to step through, so he did, and a man in a dark purple jumpsuit stepped forward.
Unfortunately, your introduction has been rejected.
The piece as a whole does not very flow very well -- it's sudden and gives little to no information about the character, only his surroundings, which should only be a piece of things. It can be choppy at times, and though there are minimal grammar errors, there are other things like word repetition that suggest your level of writing is not to our standards. Apologies.
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